The Quarter Life Crisis

I am now officially 25!

Wow, 75 years to go to 100 years old if I make it! I am glad that I have happily spent my 24 years so far. Well at least, for the most of it. I just thought that.. it has been 25 years already and I have experienced a lot of things in this life that I have never imagined I would, even 5 years ago. 

25 years.

I have learned that we should not take things for granted. 

I have always been a spoiled girl until I turned 17. Even though I knew my parents were not loaded, just because they could not say no, I kept pushing them to grant whatever I wanted. I put my friends, my ego over them, I did not say "I love you" much to them, I often let them down with my attitudes, until September 2010. 

The day my Mom passed away. 

Probably just like most kids, I always thought that my Mom would always be there, there was no way that she would go that fast. But I guess, nobody knows how the universe works, right? At that time, I thought that I would still have more time to do whatever I wanted, and I could just apologize to her easily at the end of the day. I thought that as she was always a strong person, and she even beat her cancer, she definitely would make it the second time she got ill. 

But I didn't, and she didn't.

I would do literally anything to turn back the time, to see my Mom once again, and at least to apologize and treat her the way she deserved to be treated. I wish the old me could understand that no matter how annoying and horrible my Mom was, she was my Mom. She was the one who gave birth to me, took care of me wholeheartedly, and raised me to be what I am today.
Being a mother myself today (of two!!), sometimes it scares me.. the fact that no matter how amazing the way I raise my kids is, they will turn out to have their own personalities. They might love me the way I do, they might not. But I know for sure that I will do my best to raise them to become a good person. Someone who will look after their loved ones when they need it the most, someone who will stand up for anyone, someone who will support and put their family first.. more than anything.
Being a mom of two at this age, I dread to think about things that might happen.. especially those that might happen out of my control. I used to not worry about taking bikes, riding without helmet around town, but ever since I gave birth to my first son, even the slightest thought of not putting him the seatbelt worries me a lot.
The thoughts are even scarier when combined with my other thoughts about "what will people say about this? what will people say about my parenting method?". Now that we are facing the the world where judging and commenting others are made easier thanks to social media and online platforms, it also creates a bigger fear in our mind, especially for new moms like me.

While some of my friends face their quarter life crisis wondering about whether or not they can pursue their dream career, or which man they should swipe right next on Tinder, or even whether or not they are going to hold their wedding this year or the following year, I am worried about whether or not my next decision will give a good impact for my kids in the future. As simple as: will giving them watermelon on a daily basis make them develop stomach ulcer when they're bigger? 

I read an article on the New York Times about 'motherhood and fear', and I was so enlighten and it somehow gives me a bit of an emotional support that now I understand no matter what I think of it (when it comes to teaching and raising my kids), I should not be afraid of doing it wrong, because they are my kids, and I will know them best. I should not be worried about what other people say, because, as cliche as it sounds, they don't step in my shoes and walk my life, I do.
My kids are also my biggest distraction from my bad thoughts and people's opinion. They have taught me to implement 'mindfulness' - or simply being present at the current moment, at least for them.
Being a-quarter-century-years-old, I have learned a lot of things.. some in a hard way. To understand about not taking things for granted, I had to lose my mom. To understand that life does not always go the way we want, I had to be a mother at a very young age. To understand that failure is normal, I had to fail dozens of scholarship tests and university exams. To understand that life goes on, I have to accept the things that I could not accept.
These things are, I truly believe, the things that will do nothing but make me a stronger and a more mature person each day.
I am grateful for experiencing this 'crisis', and I know that eventually.. there will be something good waiting for me. All I have to do is do my best, and  توكلت على الله 💖