A Second Visit to His Hometown

Right after I completed my study in 2018, my husband got a job offer to work in Jakarta as a translator. Before everything, we actually decided to save some money to go back to Tajikistan that year because we knew that once we moved back to Indonesia, we were going to be extremely busy hustlin', and we wouldn't have time to go to my husband's hometown and stay for a long time (4 weeks or so) because no office would allow their new workers to have such a long leave right?

I did not have a job yet at that time, so I was quite flexible, but my husband then managed to talk to his then 'future' boss to let him go to Tajikistan for 3 weeks before he started the job, and the boss agreed. My husband was extremely happy, because the last time he went to his hometown was probably in 2014 and I knew that he missed his family so much. 

Long story short, the four of us (my husband, me, Kinza, and Gaza our newest member) finally arrived in Tursunzoda, Tajikistan. We met my husband's family, and as usual, big feast welcoming us back home 😊

Me and Firuza, our cousin, in my husband's aunt beautiful house.

Being a part of a foreign family surely feels different, I believe that even if I were married to an Indonesian man of different local tribe (I am a Sundanese-Minangnese, and we have hundreds of tribes in Indonesia with totally different cultures and habit), I think it would also be different, but I would have known something we would have in common, and at least we would be speaking in Indonesian. But being married to a foreign spouse, there are a lot of things that I need to think twice to understand when it comes to customs and culture. 

When I first arrived here, it was just simply a chance of cultural discovery and exploration for me. Finding how I could fit in, learning their habits, getting to know each and every one of my husband's family. But this year was my second time there. There was this implicit expectation from my husband's family on me, and I just felt like I had to be a bit more careful.

It was very surprising that the situation was a bit different than the first time I was there, because I could just feel the masculinity and patriarchy stronger and somehow people just seemed like they expected it a lot from my husband - and he was trying to prove that he's got it too!

I am not against the idea of a certain community being fundamentally attached to what they believe in, and in this case is the masculism, and I know that my husband believes in female empowerment and gender equality too. But sometimes, there are times when all we gotta do is just accept the situation and go with the flow. At the beginning, I found it hard to cope with it, for example, when I had to just stay in the room with the kids when my husband met his uncles and male cousins, and I could not even eat together with them because my mother in law was out of home. I was not allowed even to just stay sit in the room with them.

There was also a time when I was not allowed to go to the city (Dushanbe) to travel alone, or even with my husband's female cousin, because the family could not accept the fact that I would leave my newborn for a couple of hours (although I already prepared some breastmilks which I put in the freezer) - because for them, the most important thing of what a woman should do is take care of their children. 

On a normal day, my husband would definitely accept it - he would let me go out with my female friends even to other cities in Indonesia, but this time he could not. 

I was a bit puzzled and upset, but then my husband talked to me, and explained everything to me. This is the culture that he was raised in, and since we were just staying for several weeks, he asked me to understand and listen to him. Although it was difficult for me to understand, I tried. This was where I learned that being married is not only loving the person we are married to, but loving (or at least trying) to love his whole package, including his origins, his culture and habit. 

I finally convinced my husband to take me to the city lol also with my younger son 😂

We spent almost a month in Tajikistan, and we got the chance to travel a bit with the whole family during our trip this time. I love the capital city, Dushanbe for its unique post-soviet architecture and its massive trees - it's just very relaxing and convenient especially for a stroll during summer time, because it gives us shades to hide from the striking sun haha.

The people in Dushanbe is quite different to the people in other cities, they use jeans and even short pants and modern european-styled dresses and shirts. I have never even seen a girl wearing a pair of jeans in Tursunzoda, never (even I am not allowed by my in laws lol😅). These tiny little things such as what to wear can also be a big culture shock for me or other people who are not used to Tajik's dressing culture. 

For example, married woman are always expected to wear the headbands or scarfs or hijab which are used to cover their heads. I know a lot of my friends know that I used to wear hijab, but I decided to not use it anymore because I just did not like it, and I had these extreme dandruff problem when I wear it (it was just me being unhygienic and my husband hates it haha). I know that I am probably condemned by a lot of my friends for doing so, even my family, but I have my own personal reason I can not share with people, and 

I have no one to convince but my own God and self that my love for Allah SWT and Islam does not decrease even 0.000001% only because I decided not to cover my head. Moreover, I believe that religion is something that is very personal and everyone has their own approach in understanding what they believe in spiritually, so I truly hope, and appreciate, that everyone who loves me respects each of my decision in life. 

Ok, this is going to be a story for another time, now let's go back to Tajik culture 😄

Another thing I could not understand was why I was not allowed to wear jeans and shirt by my family in law. No woman is, in Tursunzoda. Funny story was I actually even bought new clothes and beautiful dresses to wear in front of my husband's family before I went to Tajikistan, but they all ended up unused because I had to use only Tajik dresses lol but it was an interesting experience for me. Of course I was a bit upset at first because nobody ever told me what to wear before (because my fashion sense was also not bad😀 heheh) but I learned to respect them, and I understood that they just wanted me to be a great "kellin" (daughter in law) in front of the whole Tajik relatives and friends by showing them that their kellin follows the husband's culture😊 at the end of the day, I just knew that they were just doing it all for my own good, and I was happy for it.

Me wearing Tajik traditional home dress (the kind which I wore on a daily basis here) in Hissar Fortress under the striking summer sun🌞

Anyway, on my first visit to Tajikistan, I did not get to eat a lot of Tajik foods because I literally could not speak the language so it was quite difficult to ask my husband's family to do the culinary quest with me. So this time, I demanded my husband to take me around trying some Tajik authentic cuisines I haven't tried before.
Tajik foods are something totally different to Indonesian foods. They don't use a lot of spices like we do in Indonesian, and the highlights of their foods are usually: carrot, meat, potato, corriander. I have been married to my husband for almost 7 years now and I have been used to the home foods he make at home (although I usually modify it a bit by adding Masako to the foods huhaha). Anyhoo, I tried a lot of Tajik foods during that year's visit, my favorites were: Osh (of course), Mandu, Lagman and (surprisingly) the fried fish on the market (forgot the name)!!!
  

Osh (from the food court)

Lagman

 

Mandu

Another interesting thing I found in Tajikistan was that NOBODY likes to drink iced drinks, even during the hot summer day. THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. One time I was sneaking some ice cubes in the freezer and got caught then my mom-in-law threw it hahaha apparently there is this kind of myth where everyone believes that if you drink cold water with ice cubes it will gives you bad stomachache. My husband explained to my in laws that I literally could not live without cold water and ice cubes (even during the winter times I drink only cold water), so they allowed me to make ice cubes for myself at my own risk. I was okay btw 😆

By and large, my second experience of visiting and living in Tajikistan for almost a month was very interesting and unique, and I am eager to learn more culture about this country which will be my kids' second home country, and definitely looking forward to experiencing more fun culture shock! 😄